During our pregnancy, I tried to spend a lot of time reading and learning about positive birth stories. In the book “Spiritual Midwifery” by Ina May Gaskin, I read about orgasmic births and psychedelic experiences (it was the 70s :) ). I watched water births on youtube of wombyn breathing their babies out gently. But in reality, most of these stories were from white wombyn and although they were very inspiring, it saddened me to not read or hear more from my sisters of color. I tried to balance these stories out with the stories I heard all around me, from my family, friends, and the mothers I worked with. I heard so many horrible and painful stories that filled me with sadness and anger. Mothers in my Circulo de Mamás at the school where I worked shared about being strapped down to the hospital bed and being told not to push until the doctor came in, despite the baby’s head already crowning and a strong urge to release their babies. My own mother suffered from a traumatic last birth (to my sister Sandy, who died at the age of 3). The doctors and nurses said my sister “didn’t want to come out” and they had a heavy nurse climb on her to try and push her out and they used forceps that scarred her little head. It was so intense that they had to give my mom oxygen to help her breath as she heard them in the distance exclaim “we are losing her!”
Despite how many positive stories I tried to read and hear about, I probably heard more of the traumatic experiences. And I questioned, why? I thought about my grandmothers who gave birth to 9 and 10 children. One of my grandmothers tried to make it to the hospital twice and both babies were born before making it there, one on a motorcycle and another in a taxi car. I thought about my great grandmothers and wondered about their birth experiences. I knew they gave birth at home or at the partera’s home and naturally. This is how mothers have been giving birth for generations and generations. I didn’t necessarily focus on wanting a “painless birth” or an “orgasmic/psychedelic birth”, I just wanted to give light/birth the way my ancestors had and the way millions give birth around the world. And I wanted to feel free and supported in my decisions.
Several people questioned my decision to birth at home naturally and some of my mom’s friends would ask her why I would want to do things backwards. They would ask why I didn’t trust doctors and all the medical advances. And why were we making such a big financial sacrifice (although birthing at home is way less expensive than birthing in a hospital, it is not covered by most insurances and so it was a huge burden but for us, it was completely worth the cost. I strongly feel we need to demand changes so that all wombyn can birth however we choose to and with the support and nurturing we need). But the more I read and studied, I realized that a healthy pregnancy does not need to be treated like a medical condition. More wombyn in history have given birth naturally in their homes than in hospitals, and continue to do so today. I learned that we carry ancient knowledge and wisdom from our ancestors, running through our blood and every cell of our bodies. I just needed to learn to trust.
It was interesting that often people would ask “cuando te vas aliviar?” as if I had been sick and after giving birth I would recover. I always preferred to use the phrase “dar a luz”. It literally means to give to light or bring to light and that’s what I was going to do. That’s what every mother does when they birth their children. We are givers of life and light.
I want to share our story because giving birth, especially the first time, is often surrounded by so many fears and I think freeing oneself from those fears has a tremendous impact while giving birth. I also want to share our story because when we decided to have a home birth, I felt a strong sense of commitment and responsibility to my community. So many knew about this intention and vision, and I wanted to be able to share with wombyn, especially, that we can give birth the way we choose to and we should demand to have access and options. I know that giving birth is such a powerful and life-changing experience, regardless of how and where we give birth. And we all have our story to share. But I think that for me, choosing and in the process learning to trust and releasing all fears was very liberating, healing, and powerful. I also want to share to encourage more wombyn to share their stories, especially wombyn in my community. This is our story.
Plantando nuestra semillita
Our semillita, Tonalli, was conceived in Borinquen, during our luna de miel. We spent 3 weeks all over the island, visiting beautiful places and family/friends, dancing bomba, eating delicious food, and celebrating our love. Hector and I longed to have a baby soon and so we trusted the universe and knew that if it was meant to be at the time then it would become a reality. (In the past, I had thought that perhaps I was not able to conceive and this saddened me greatly because after witnessing the birth of Itzael and Edahir in Immokalee, I had such a strong longing to be a mother. My love and commitment to Hector strengthened that longing). (Our love story: how Hector and I met)
I once read in a book by Don Miguel Ruiz that in a good relationship sex becomes a communion; sex becomes a complete surrendering, a dance, an art, a supreme expression of beauty. This comes to mind immediately when I think about Tonalli’s conception. Hector and I share a powerful and beautiful union and Tonalli is a manifestation of that love.
I once read in a book by Don Miguel Ruiz that in a good relationship sex becomes a communion; sex becomes a complete surrendering, a dance, an art, a supreme expression of beauty. This comes to mind immediately when I think about Tonalli’s conception. Hector and I share a powerful and beautiful union and Tonalli is a manifestation of that love.
About 8 months before our honeymoon, our good friend and Ifa priest had told us in a spiritual reading that are our first child would be a boy with a lot of energy and a very active spirit. It was only a few days after our trip when my mom mentioned that I looked different and asked if I was pregnant. I responded, "I'm just tired from the trip." That Friday night after the trip, I had a beautiful dream where I was breastfeeding a baby boy. In the morning, my instincts told me to take a pregnancy test. It was positive! Hector was not surprised because he already had an instinct and throughout the week kept telling me, “You’re pregnant”. But it was our semillita, at only a couple of weeks of conception, already communicating with mami, who convinced me it was true.
Our womb journey
Our womb journey was a tremendous blessing- with both highs and lows and much learning. The first trimester was especially challenging, physically and emotionally. I had to stop dancing for almost 2 months and I struggled with many insecurities. I felt I had a mirror in front of me daily showing me all my flaws and I felt a lot of guilt. Talking about these emotions with close friends and writing to my semillita in a journal, helped me realize this was all part of my process to becoming a mother. I was going through a transformation. I needed to look inside of myself and reflect on things I wanted to change/improve to be the best mother I could be. By the second trimester, I felt more and more confident. I saw myself as a beautiful mother-to-be, full of energy and life. Hector and I moved into our own place and we transferred from the OB/GYN (where I had a very bad experience) to the South Coast Midwifery Center. The doctor had been so impersonal and questioned my decision to birth at home. She even tried to instill fear in me by asking what I would do if my baby only had 5 minutes to live and they couldn’t get him to the hospital. The midwives, on the other hand, were very nurturing and instead of a 5 minute visit like with the doctor, my visits were often 45 minutes or an hour. All these changes were part of our preparation for the birth of Tonalli. Through all the experiences and emotions- joy, sadness, fear, excitement, etc.- we realized that we were already teaching our semillita about life and we looked forward to sharing so much more and learning from him. Only a month before Tonalli was born, my grandfather passed away. Most of my family was able to go be with him during his last hours, but because I was so close to giving birth, my family asked that I stay. It was a very challenging time because I longed to see him and tell him how much I love him and to ask for forgiveness for not always being patient with him. And most importantly, to let him know that I also forgave him. I was able to speak to him on the phone and I shared with him that the child in my womb would know who he was--that I would share so many stories with him and he would know that his great grandfather is the reason we are in this country. I knew that my grandfather was joining all of my ancestors who would be at Tonalli's birth.
Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, we continued to prepare spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically for the birth of our semillita in our new home. We spent many nights reading about birth and reading children’s books to our semillita. I was able to dance again and it help me feel strong and energized. (Dancing bomba with Atabey with Tonalli in my womb. Atabey is the Taina Goddess of Fertility). We cooked delicious and healthy meals to the sounds of bomba, salsa, and son jarocho.
Very early in my pregnancy, I began contacting Panquetzani, our doula, to ask for advice (Indigemama: Ancestral Healing). From the very beginning I knew I had a lot of trust in her and her ancient knowledge about birth and herbs. In one conversation, early on, she asked me how I thought my sister’s death would affect me while giving birth. I had not thought about that. She asked me to think about how I had coped with her passing. I told her about how I held back so many emotions. At 10 years old, I wanted to be strong for my family and I interpreted being strong as not showing tears or sadness. But being strong for others, affected my ability to communicate my emotions. Writing was an avenue to heal, but I still held back many emotions. Panquetzani reminded me that when giving birth, I could not be thinking about being strong for others. I needed to be strong for myself and my baby and I would need to be able to communicate what I was feeling.
Panquetzani’s guidance throughout my pregnancy was so special. She encouraged me to write in my womb journal and to my baby and always had great advice on nutrition and any issues that came along the way. My body was especially grateful for the rebozo massages. I also followed her advice to write my own birth affirmations and those were so crucial the days before giving birth (*you can read them at the end).
About a week before giving birth, we had a very special mediation in our birthing class at the Midwifery Center. Many times I would fall asleep during meditations but this time I stayed awake the entire time, visualizing the meditation, which was about a waterfall. I listened intently to Leslie (Blessed Baby Doula) as she told us to travel to a waterfall and she described the surroundings. During the meditation I traveled to three waterfalls. Each one had such a deep importance and significance.
The first one I traveled to was the one I went to with my family when I was 10 years old. My dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles had worked in the fields of Oregon and Washington and in the spring of 1994, they took us on a trip. They had shown us some of the fields and we even picked raspberries. During that trip, I learned to value our family’s sacrifices. I remember that with what we earned, we bought food to go to the waterfall. It was a humble meal but we were there as one big family and we were surrounded by so much beauty. I think it was the first time in my life that I felt a great appreciation for nature. It is also one of the most beautiful memories I have of my sister and grandfather, rest in peace. I will never forget that trip and what it taught me about our family. Thinking about this waterfall and that trip also gave me a sense of peace as I visualized my grandfather and his sacrifices in the meditation.
The second waterfall I traveled to in my meditation was at El Yunque. I went with two dear friends who I worked with in Immokalee. What’s interesting about that trip is that through it I reconnected with Hector. After a year since winning the McDonald’s campaign and leaving Chicago, I contacted him to share that I was going to Puerto Rico for the first time and wanted to know if he had any recommendations of places to visit. I felt butterflies in my stomach talking with him again. (Hector as "Rolando" during the Coalition of Immokalee Workers' campaign to pressure McDonald's to sign onto the Fair Food Program)
El Yunque was our first destination after arriving in Borinquen. We had found a cabin to stay the night in the rainforest and the guy who rented the cabin gave us a map for a challenging hike that led to a waterfall. He warned us there would be “no trespassing” signs along the way, but we could just ignore them. It was a total adventure. Every obstacle on the hike tested our determination and we continued to push through. When we were near the waterfall and could hear it, we were faced with having to go up a steep/vertical ladder tube that had a chain across the entrance. We squeeze through the chain and climbed the ladder and just when it seemed we were there, we realized that to be able to swim in the waterfall pool, we needed to climb huge, slippery rocks. That’s when I felt the most fear. Slipping from a rock could be fatal. But we encouraged each other and made it to the top. With each rocked we climbed, I felt stronger and more courageous. The reward was swimming in the most peaceful waterfall pool with a breathtaking view of the Yunque. I sent Hector a picture of the view from my phone and he told me to take a deep breath in for him. In that moment, I never could have imagined that one day Hector and I would be life partners and that my next visit to the Yunque would be during our honeymoon to Borinquen, where our semillita would be conceived.
And that was the third waterfall I visited in the meditation. My parents had spent a week with us in Puerto Rico and had a flight to catch that afternoon, but I wanted them to see and experience El Yunque before they left. We took them on a long hike and made it. I felt so strong, free, and so loved. I was surrounded by so much beauty and was sharing it with the man I am unconditionally in love with and committed to. I’m almost certain that Tonalli was conceived the day after visiting this waterfall. (Before my mom left, she reminded me that she really wanted to be an abuelita :) )
Reflecting on those 3 waterfalls assured me that we had everything we needed to birth Tonalli. We are free. We have strong roots guiding us. We have so much love around us, in us and between us. I had shown courage and had overcome great fear before.
Only a few days before giving birth, I had another experience that gave me so much confidence. I was the nude model for a photographer looking to promote herself as a maternity photographer. When I first told Hector about it, he laughed and probably thought I would not go through with it. But he was supportive of it. Part of me hesitated and insecurities began to surface, but I felt more beautiful than ever and free of shame. It was a very liberating experience.
A Labor of Love
On Thursday, April 26th, Kristina and Juanito came over to visit and help us test out the birthing pool to get ready for the big "pool party" as Hector called it. We were nervous about how to set it up so it was nice having them there to figure it out together. We thought Tonalli would be born until the next week, but wanted to get that out of the way earlier and we were so glad we figured it out that night! Kristina and Juanito had given birth a few months earlier at home and they brought us very good energy and lots of love.
The next day, April 27th, I woke up around 4am realizing that the waves I had began feeling sporadically the last few days were now stronger and closer together. My mucous plug had been exiting since Wednesday while at work and on Monday I was already dilated. I didn’t wake Hector right away because I wanted him to rest in case this was the day. But when he did wake up, he was ready and began making preparations (the birthing pool, a healthy and delicious breakfast, and cleaning up). With the sun shining in, I knew that it was the perfect day to labor. I could feel the sun’s energy radiating throughout my whole body. With each wave, I would breathe deeply, breathing in love and freedom, and exhaling all fear and insecurities.
The next day, April 27th, I woke up around 4am realizing that the waves I had began feeling sporadically the last few days were now stronger and closer together. My mucous plug had been exiting since Wednesday while at work and on Monday I was already dilated. I didn’t wake Hector right away because I wanted him to rest in case this was the day. But when he did wake up, he was ready and began making preparations (the birthing pool, a healthy and delicious breakfast, and cleaning up). With the sun shining in, I knew that it was the perfect day to labor. I could feel the sun’s energy radiating throughout my whole body. With each wave, I would breathe deeply, breathing in love and freedom, and exhaling all fear and insecurities.
At 11am, I began writing in my journal. I felt relaxed, listening to my body and dancing with each wave. I knew each wave was bringing me closer to Tonalli’s birth. My spirit felt calm and joyful. I was birthing Tonalli like a gentle warrior.
Around 1pm, we went to the birthing center. My second GBS test was not back, which meant the midwives highly recommended I get injected with antibiotic to protect Tonalli. I had been eating so much garlic and taking probiotics to kill the bacteria for over a week. Although I could have rejected the antibiotic, in this situation the “what if” was too strong and I didn’t want to put Tonalli at risk of catching the bacteria at birth. Part of me felt uncomfortable taking the antibiotic but I decided in that moment that I would not feel guilty for taking it and that our birth would still be natural.
When we got back home we went for a walk around the neighborhood. Hector also played cuembé on the drum as I danced. The waves were still not too intense and they were about 6 or 7 minutes apart. Later in the afternoon we went for another walk. We could hear and see helicopters flying over us and wondered what was going on. As we walked around the block we saw several police cars and it seemed like the whole neighborhood was out. We were walking slowly and I was often stopping during waves, which were now feeling stronger. At one point, a police officer looked at us cautiously. I think he was wondering whether I needed to be taken to a hospital. There had been 2 shootings and a stabbing in our neighborhood. We didn’t know the details of the incidents until after the birth, but in the moment we could feel the tension and fear in the neighborhood. I didn’t let that fear take over me, though. I continued to concentrate on every breath and every wave. The sounds of the parrots singing blocked the sounds of the helicopters. When we got back to our apartment, Panquetzani had just arrived with Itzix. Luis was with them and was going to take Itzix with him to care for him.
The sun set and the waves became more intense. I had been so quiet the whole day but now I was beginning to moan softly with every wave. Panquetzani prepared teas and she and Hector took turns massaging me. My lower back was starting to hurt a lot. I have always had back problems (since falling as a little girl and 3 car accidents), and I knew that this would be the biggest challenge. I moved around the room, laying sideways on the couch, squatting on the floor, and bouncing on the exercise ball. Panquetzani used the rebozo to relieve some of the tension on my lower back.
The whole day I had been avoiding my mom’s phone calls. She kept calling and I knew that her instincts had kicked in and she knew I was in labor. I felt sad about her not being there, but I was comfortable with the decision because I knew that she had not overcome her fears about me birthing at home and that at the first sight of pain, she would be so worried that it would in turn worry me. I finally told Hector to answer and had Panquetzani talk to her. She assured her everything was going well and that I was calm and relaxed. I remember talking with my sister, in prayer, and asking her to go be with my mom and bring her comfort so that her fears from afar could not interfere with the birth.
The setting was perfect. We had a beautiful altar with a painting of "Mayahuel" from our friend, Chistina Guerrero. The lights were dim. There was lavender oil burning. Panquetzani and Zuleica (who was documenting the birth) both brought such a calming presence. Zuleica was in the background and I couldn’t even feel or hear the camera flashing. Panquetzani didn’t say much but was ready with tea and a massage right when I needed it. Hector was loving and attentive to every sound and movement I made. Several times he held me and we danced through waves together. As they got stronger, I asked Panquetzani to play the jarana for me. I sat on the ball and began to moan louder, to the tune of her voice. She played and sang while I moaned louder and louder. It felt good to moan louder and it helped to ease the pain.
I went to lay on the bed on my side so that I could rest a bit and continued to focus on releasing my baby. It almost felt as if I had fallen asleep, when suddenly I felt a rush of water come out of my yoni. It was so strong, like the stream of a waterfall. I reacted quickly with excitement and I felt a surge of energy. I exclaimed that my water broke and I immediately got on all fours on the bed. The waves were now very strong and I felt an urge to push. Panquetzani and Hector called Brooke. I told them I wanted to be in the water already. They hadn’t recommended being in the birthing pool because it could slow things down, but now my body longed to be in it. At first Brooke asked to wait for her so she could see how much more dilated I was. Panquetzani assured her I was ready. The whole time I felt that Panquetzani was in tune with my body and spirit and she knew it was time because Tonalli and I knew it was time.
Dar a Luz: Birthing and Healing
When I first got in the water, I immediately felt relieve. My lower back had been in so much pain and now the warm water was soothing it. But the waves continued to get stronger as did my moans. Soon my moans grew louder and more intense and I was now wailing. I was on all fours in the pool. In between each wave I began speaking with my sister. I felt she was right in front of the pool, looking at me, protecting me and Tonalli. One of the fears I had to overcome during pregnancy was the fear of dying while giving birth. I had dreamed this. In my dream, Tonalli was coming out as I smiled and faded away. I remember I woke up crying and immediately thought of my grandmother. My great grandmother passed away giving birth to her. I continued to ask Sandy to take care of us.
As the waves came, I cried and screamed like I had never before. I felt as if the entire neighborhood could hear me. At one point, I felt as if I had stepped outside of my body and I was watching and hearing myself. The cry I heard was the cry of a little girl. I knew right then that I was releasing all the pain I felt when I lost my sister. All the emotions I had held back to be strong for my family, I could now let out freely. The energy in the room was so intense. I was healing. I felt powerful. I felt free.
I could feel my yoni opening and Tonalli’s head was crowning. It was like a ring of fire. I placed my hand on his head and could feel his soft hair. There was a moment when I felt he moved back in and I cried, “please don’t go back up.” Panquetzani and Brooke told me it was ok and it was actually very good because he was stretching me out.
(This picture is the bottom of the top picture. It's my hand catching Tonalli as he came out. Hector remembers how peaceful his face was. A funny sidenote is that before releasing our birth story, Hector commented that you can see my "boobies" on some of these pictures. I laughed and told him that my boobies are always exposed since I breastfeed Tonalli anywhere we go and given how attentive he is to everything around him, he often leaves them unattended for everyone to see :) )
Everything was happening so quickly and with just a few more pushes, Tonalli was released into the water and into my arms, with the help of Brooke. It was 4:03am (24 hours later after my labor had begun). Right before his body came out, Brooke helped me lean back so I would be able to receive him and put him on my chest. Tonalli’s face was full of peace and it wasn’t until I had him a bit above water that he felt cold and started to cry. As I held him close to my breast, I felt a sense of ecstasy. I had brought my sun to light. It was pure joy and I immediately kissed him and began talking with him. I felt my heart expanding with love with every breath. I was in love with my Tonalli, with Hector, with life. I was now a mother to a beautiful child.
We stayed in the water, breastfeeding, and soon after I birthed my beautiful placenta, and for a while longer we continued in the water with our placenta floating on a large bowl. Hector was so overwhelmed with emotion that he was not able to clamp the chord, but I told Brooke I could do it. Once it had stopped pumping blood, I clamped the chord. This beautiful picture below by Zuleica captures that moment in the water, with Tonalli in my arms and him holding on tight to Hector’s finger.
We got out of the water and walked to our bedroom to lay down and continue to breastfeed. I think Tonalli must have nursed for almost an hour. After a long while, they finally weighed him and measured him. He weighed 8 lbs, 4 oz and measured 21 inches! He was perfect.
We called my parents and they came over a few hours later to meet their first grandson. They were overjoyed. It was very busy around the apartment, but all I could feel was peace. The kitchen smelled amazing as my beautiful doula sisters prepared tea, soup, and a placenta smoothie. Part of my placenta was used for capsules and the rest was saved to be buried under a tree for Tonalli on his first birthday. I didn’t get to meet Amy at the moment, but I’m so thankful to her and Kristina for taking care of my placenta (a beautiful and powerful organ). While Hector and I enjoyed those first few hours with our son, Panquetzani and Kristina prepared an amazing herbal bath. My body had been through a lot of work and now it was being honored and nurtured. After the bath, Panquetzani used the rebozo to massage me and close my hips. I laid naked with Tonalli’s naked body on my chest, feeling each other’s hearbeat, while breastfeeding. I can close my eyes and remember that feeling, that love and joy. I am eternally grateful to Tonalli for choosing Hector and I as his parents.
*Birth Affirmations*
I have been blessed with the gift of motherhood
Mi semillita fue germinada por amor y me escogio a mi para crecer y nutrirse de mi.
Mi semillita fue plantada en la isla del encanto, con un amor incondicional e infinito.
I have the guidance and wisdom of my ancestors.
My ancestors are warrios and so am I.
I trust the wisdom of my Tonalli.
I trust my own wisdom.
I trust the wisdom of my life partner, Hector.
I trust the wisdom of my birth companions.
I feel safe and comfortable in the place we have chosen as our home and birthplace for our baby.
I am full of love--it radiates through every pore of my body.
My body and spirit were created and carefully designed to give light and life.
My body and spirit are strong and capable of anything I choose.
My body and spirit have the power to heal.
I am beautiful inside and out and I carry a beautiful child inside of me.
I am a goddess, loved, honored and respected by my life partner.
I have the love and support of my family, friends, and community.
I have a powerful and beautiful community that will help raise my child.
I am free of fear and insecurities.
I am excited and relaxed about the birth of my fist child.
I am focused on a smooth, gentle and loving birth.
My body has the tools to ease any pain. The pain cannot control me; I control it.
I am most free when I dance and so my body dances through each wave.
My muscles work in complete harmony to make birthing gentle.
My Tonalli is perfectly positioned for every phase of labor; we work together.
I feel a natural tranquility flowing through my body.
I fully relax and turn my birthing over to nature and ancient wisdom.
I use my breath to eliminate any fear or tension.
Each wave bring my semillita closer to me.
I long to hold my semillita in my arms, skin to skin.
I visualize my semillita moving down past tissues that are pink and healthy.
I have been transformed by this journey and I look forward to the journey ahead.
Hector and I will be the best parents we can be and will continue to grow and learn.
Soy libre.
